Shortcake

feels like shit. I freaked out, I let it win, I wanted to be stubborn and I can almost feel it growing in my brain. Today is a VERY bad day, fuck I need a ciggie.

Ugh, I have hatred and resentment for a woman called Donna, fake smiley bitch, leave me alone, NO I do not want to talk to YOU. 

I am not a morning person and the lack of any sort of lie in is doing my head it.

Large strong coffee from my new awesome mug, whoop. Need to think positive, going to read some funny articles that a wonderful friend gave me, I’m going to miss her soooo much, she gave me strength, its going to be harder around here without her.

I had a dream last night that I eat shit loads of shortbread and creamy muffins, I know it was only a dream but I woke up in a SHIT mood. I think that mood is going to continue, can’t wait till Donna is off, I hate her watching me and being all ‘by the book’, Stupid cow.

Rant over, I feel slightly better now. I want to Tye-dye more things. <3 tye dye.

Ok sooo, today I feel, crap really.

I know I need to take this more seriously, I’ve had some mega alerts and wake up calls, but yet its still a battle, I don’t know whether I’m compromising just to be defiant, or if its because I’m failing, getting iller and iller.

Everyone thinks I’m doing so great, but I’m not, I could be doing sooo much better, but its a battle and harder than I ever imagined.

I have to stop, but theres still a part of me that doesn’t want to.

I just want my freedom. But freedom from this place, or freedom from being ill, I know which one I need, but which am I really aiming for. :( I need some support. I need help, but I hate admitting that I can’t cope, I think thats why I’m here in the first place. Today is a bad day.

Hates following the urge to deceive and compromise myself, I know I’m creating my own downfall, I know I’m not fighting what could take my life away.

But that guilty feeling, the horrible low, like a miserable comedown after an epic high, just makes you feel like SHIT unless you do what it says. I feel like sickly crap this morning, I need another cigarette. I’m going to come out of this healthy….but probably with cancer… lol. fml :/

Feels emotionally exhausted today, please get me out of here, someone rescue me.

So many conflicting thoughts, confused trying to separate the normal from the abnormal, am I ill, am I me….I’m me, of course I am, can I go now????

So, so home sick, its unbearable. Untrusted, victimized, disheartened, controlled.

I know this has helped me, its good for me, In some ways, yes, I need to be here, I don’t want to end up like them. In other ways, I know I never would, I’m stronger than that. I want to cry, I think I will later, when I can finally be alone, but then at night, no matter how bad the day is, I can never bring myself to cry.

Trying to focus, take each day as it comes, be myself and talk and be as chatty as possible. It distracts me from my aching stomach and guilty head.

I’m thinking…

“SHUT UP”

or

“FUCK OFF”

Most of the time in my own head. Whilst trying to blank out the thoughts with positive things, my friends, family, freedom!!

But this place feels relentless